Guilt

Wow, one thought after another. After experiencing an epiphany like the one I describe in True Closure, many thoughts and feelings bubble to the surface.

Right now, I'm having a really, really strange feeling. Strange, for me at least. I don't know for sure, but I think it's the feeling of guilt.

I've joked over the years that I was born without the guilt gene. Wikipedia defines guilt as follows:

In psychology and ordinary language, guilt is an affective state in which one experiences conflict at having done something that one believes one should not have done (or conversely, having not done something one believes one should have done). It gives rise to a feeling that does not go away easily, driven by conscience.

Until this moment, I don't think I have ever felt like that. I mean, I've done many things over my life that "[I] believe[] [I] should not have done". But I don't think I've ever experienced a feeling of conflict about it, or felt bad about it. I mean, I just apologize, learn from my mistakes, and move on.

But after the epiphany I experienced today, and realizing that I've never served anyone but myself, I'm experiencing this bummer of a feeling about my ex-wife and my current wife. Both, at times, have said similar things to me.

For example, toward the end of our relationship, my ex-wife said to me: "You never do anything just for me." I didn't understand her. I explained that most everything I do is for "us". She must have felt like she was hitting her head against a brick wall.

For another example, early in our relationship, my current wife said to me: "You never take care of me." I didn't understand her. I mean, we were both adults, and I figured the very definition of "adult" is someone who takes care of themselves.

There's many such examples over the past 24 years of my relationships with these two women. The core of their questions and complaints about me boiled down to this fact that I have never specifically served anyone but myself.

Sitting here, I'm amazed I got this far. How did my first wife stay with me for 12 years? How has my present wife stayed with me for 8 years?

Once you realize that serving each other is at the core of any significant relationship, it's disorienting to realize that I've never paid any attention to it.

I can just imagine the frustration of these two women. Given we split up 12 years ago, I'm sure my ex-wife is well past any frustration about it. Our former relationship is far back in her rear-view mirror, and she probably long-ago deemed me irredeemable.

But all is not lost. It looks like I still have time to make it good with my present wife. 

Still, it feels like I've been pissing on my lovers' porches for 24 years, and just today I've become conscious of the stink that they had to endure. That thought kind of bums me out.

I know this feeling will be gone tomorrow morning.  But man, would my life have been different had I ever felt this guilt feeling before today.

How the hell did I avoid jailtime through now? Psychopaths feel no guilt. Does that mean I've been a psychopath for 45 years?

Maybe it's time to go to bed and get rid of this icky feeling.