Posted December 4, 2008, by
kimMy patient was elderly and very sick.A call was placed to his out of town son to update him on the deteriorating condition of his father. This is always a difficult call for people who live out of town . They are faced with the decision of whether or not to come and if they do come the timing of that visit becomes the pressing question.I was working the night shift and this information had been passed along during the dayshift so I really did not know what was happening with that family. I was at the nurses station doing paperwork after midnight when a middle-aged man came running in. He mentioned that he had received a phonecall informing him that his father was not well. I gave him an update and told him he was welcome to go to his fathers' room. He then told me that he had driven several hours to get to the hospital . He hesitated not quite sure what to do next and I sensed his turmoil. I asked if everything was alright?He then told me that his father had never accepted his wife and as a result had never met the children either. Next, this man proceeded to tell me that his wife and children were in the parking lot in hopes that maybe ..... just maybe ...this time he might agree to meet them. I felt so badly for his situation and encouraged him to bring his family inside. He told me he thought it best if he didn't do that and he was prepared for a negative response from his Dad , but needed to at least try one more time. After about a half hour he came back to the nurses station to say he would be leaving. I hesitantly asked how the visit went. He replied that it went as he had thought. My heart went out to him and I wished I could help facilitate a reconcilation, but it was not meant to be.He told me he was very blessed to have a loving family and they were patiently waiting for him and reassured me that he was okay. He left. I felt sick inside . It seemed so wrong.I didn't understand and I still don't.I then did a routine round to check on my patients. I found my patient ( his father) awake and crying. He held a small piece of paper tight to his chest and then told me what a wonderful son he had and how much he loved him. The paper he held was his son's phone number and he hugged it as if it was the most precious thing he owned.
So close and yet so far away from reconciliation. I don't know what the underlying family dynamics were in this case but I experienced profound sadness from witnessing this event. I guess some people think it is more important to BE right than to DO right. Since we don't always get 2nd chances I pray for the strength to DO right .
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What a beautifully moving and powerful story. Wow, I have never heard of that before. I've heard of getting together and sharing stories of the departed loved one, but never with the deceased present. I think it takes people who are very grounded, and have a huge level of comfort with each other and a huge level of acceptance with the process of life to be able to do that. Incredible. Suggestion: perhaps you want to copy and paste this into a new entry into the Community Blog instead of leaving it as a comment?
Reading this account transported me to the day that my cousin passed away. It was a day to be cherished and the details remain within my soul because of the spiritual nature of how the day unfolded. My sister and I had tenatively decided to visit her at the Grimsby Hospital where she was a palliative patient.The details of us spending the day with her was put into action that morning and a quick decision to leave within the hour was made. As I stood at my kitchen sink finishing up the breakfast dishes I was overwhelmed with a vision . My vision was that I needed to quickly go and purchase a special nightie and an angel pin to secure to it. My idea was to make certain that when she died she could wear this night gown and go with dignity to the morgue and funeral home. Being a nurse I know the behind the scenes after the death stuff and wanted reassurance that she would be respected when that time came. My dilema was .... this is my deal but what would her brother and parents think of this ? I tossed the idea back and forth but with little time to spare I quickly ran out shopping and miraculously found exactly what I had in mind. My sister arrived and during our hour trip to the hospital I picked her brain to see her response to my idea. She thought it was perfectly fine and didn't think it would be a problem for the family.We arrived at her room to find the door shut and intuitively I knew we were too late. This was confirmed when the nurse told us that she had indeed passed away only 15 minutes before we arrived. We greeted my cousin (her brother). There I stood holding my gift (if you can call it that) not knowing quite how to approach the subject. I took a deep breath and relayed my vision to my cousin.He smiled and was blessed by the idea. I asked him if he would like me to ask the nurses to change her into the gown I had bought, from the hospital gown she was wearing . He was receptive and grateful. He then spoke with his Mom and Dad by phone and I could hear him encouraging them not to come to the hospital. I gently interrupted and told him that from my experience as an Oncology nurse that it is sometimes helpful for family to see the body in the environment that they died in to aid in the grieving process . Somehow it puts the pieces of the puzzle together when it comes time to sort it all out. They agreed to come. The nurses kindly and lovingly dressed my cousin and repositioned her. What a difference it made in how she appeared. I am grateful for the nurses who so willingly made the vision come true. My Aunt and Uncle came in to the room and had their moment together as a family . That moment where the reality of death begins. I thought they would stay briefly and then leave. What happened next was quite moving. We all sat at the bedside in a semi-circle around my cousin and began to remember her life. Stories and memories were shared spontaneously. They seemed to just flow and continued for some time. The nurses would peek in to make certain we were okay but did not pressure us to leave. It felt perfectly right and perfectly normal to do this. Both my sister and I were shocked when we realized that what felt like moments was actually two and half hours. We both felt as though we had been somehow transported from this world to another for the time we shared together with my cousins family. Words can not explain the time zone we experienced that day . Neither of us knew what we were walking into that day. It was like a day that was planned ahead for us and we just fit in and watched it unfold exactly how it was meant to be. After we hugged my cousins' family goodbye we began our drive home to Cambridge,in kind of a silent reverence for what we had just been a part of. As we crossed the Burlington Skyway the song "I can only imagine" played on the radio acting as closure to the experience. My Aunt told me later that she kept the nightie in my cousins room for quite awhile after she passed away and if she needed to feel close to her she would go into her room and pick it up and hug it for comfort.Who knows at the time of a vision the far reaching effects it may have. I truly feel that visions that come from God have a way of blessing all involved in a way that no human could orchestrate on their own.
Your two comments remind me a riddle I ask people from time to time: What do terminally ill patients, people in jail, homeless people, the really super wealthy, and foreigners all have in common? The answer is: They all, to one degree or another, have "popped out" of the daily grind of their "normal" lives and the "main street" of their cultures. These people "stand outside", and thus can look more clearly at themselves, their lives, and their cultures than when they are "in the middle of the game". This outsider stance allows for huge emotional growth. Of course, many such people don't take this opportunity to grow (like in the story of this post). But many such people do.
It is unusual for me as well and that's why I found it so upsetting.I have found as you have that the adversity of illness can bring about healing which is really a dichotomy. One patient I had expressed her anxious feelings about a certain situation and from knowing her in the context that I did, I reassured her that all would go well given who she was. She then responded that she had not been the same person before and it was only since her cancer that she had changed into what she called a nice person.She told me that I wouldn't even believe who she had been before. My cousin also died from ovarian cancer . Prior to her illness she suffered from an undiagnosed but quite obvious mental illness. Her cancer was a catalyst for change and in dealing with the tests and diagnosis the care givers realized that she needed help mentally. She was admitted to a mental health ward and medicated appropriately and then they could proceed with treatment. She did pass away 2 yrs later but it was clear that she was more whole and more herself when she died than she had been in years.Terminal illness actually brought life, though shorter in length, richer in quality.Adversity can bring life just as pruning a tree creates better quality fruit.
Wow. What an amazing story. How incredibly hurt and angry this father must have been to be on his potential deathbed and not wish to resolve his life in peace. In my experience of seeing lots of terminally ill people and deathbed conversations, I found your story quite unusual and quite sad. My heart goes out to the stubborn man who could not let go. I know what it feels like at times to want to be right, more than accept love and peace, and it's a hellish feeling. I definately don't want to exit my life like that - never.