Doing the Dishes on the Way to Enlightment

So, after my late July rash of postings resulting from a brief reunion with my ex-wfe, there has been a subtle but certain shift in my present marriage.

One thing I did right away after those postings was to organize a surprise party for my wife (theme: "Kate as Mommy Superior").

It was so easy to suprise her. The guests all parked their cars right in front of the house. So when my wife's sister brought her back to the house, and she saw all of the cars there, even then she didn't guess what was going on. She later told me she thought I had arranged for some kind of "intervention".  Anyway, it was a great party.

The reason I knew she wouldn't guess in a million years that I would organize a surprise party for her -- even with our property full of cars -- is that I had never organized a suprised party for anyone at any time in my entire life. And I showed no signs of ever doing so. And I don't think anyone had held a surprise party for her either.

Anyway, another thing I never did before August of this year was doing the dishes (i.e. in the 12 years with my ex-wfe, and the 8 years and counting with my current wife). Strangely enough, I had done the dishes when living or staying on my own (e.g. when I go to Greece), or when staying with my dad at his place. Just not in my own home -- a place I share with my wife.

I recall earlier in the summer coming down to the kitchen with my dishes (I had lunch in my home office). I rinsed the dishes in the kitchen sink, and had an impulse to put them in the dishwasher, where they belonged. But something seemed to hold me back. I didn't know what it was. It was like an invisible force. So I just put the dishes into the sink -- leaving them for my wife to clean.

Well, anyway, after those July postings, I started doing the dishes. No big deal. Just helping out around the house, you know.

But doing dishes can be a sort of meditative practice. It enables one to think clearly and quietly. Doing the dishes, I realized that the reason I had spent the first 20 years of "adult" "family life" never doing the dishes was that I had "married my mother" twice (hitting closer to home the second time ), and back when I was a kid, my mother always did the dishes -- not I. But these July events popped me out of that trance.

Fast forward to this past week. The electrical power in our house went wacky, and it fried a number of appliances in the house, including the water pressure pump. This meant we still had water, but we couldn't use the dishwasher. Now I had to do the dishes the old fashioned way -- by hand.

Well, interestingly enough, this little change in how  we do the dishes opened up yet another psychological door. Here it is: Ever since I've been with my wife, I've noticed that she doesn't rinse the dishes immediately after the meal is over. This means that, hours later, the food has dried and stuck to the dishes, making the job of cleaning them much more laborious. In fact, she had a habit of dumping dirty plates and pans right on top of rinsed dishes, thereby compounding the work load.

Back when she was the "chief bottle washer" in the house, my wife wasn't interested in my "suggestions" tossed out from the bleachers about how she could make the job of doing the dishes more efficient. When I took over that job in late summer, she didn't change. And she didn't even change this habit this week, when the dishwasher couldn't be used.

Well, this habit of hers was now really troublesome. Now, not rinsing the dishes turns a simple 15 minute job into a complex 30-45 minute job.

I have a theory on on why she has this habit. But instead of just telling her my theory, I've learned to ask if she's interested in hearing it. So far, she's not interested.

So I'll tell you my theory. Here goes: I think my wife is reliving a childhood dynamic in which she as a child associated being loved with doing chores around the house. So if there wasn't enough chores to do around the house, you just a make a mess so there is enough chores.

This morning, I did all of the dishes, except for the ones my wife left out the night before without rinsing them. I told her those were for her to do.  She thought I was joking. I sort of was, but I was firm on this.

She still didn't want to hear my theory. But I was fascinated to see that this simple, banal, everyday chore -- doing the dishes -- is such a rich trove of pathologies originating from childhood.

I wonder if, if I just keep leaving the unrinsed dishes for her to wash, she'll notice this habit, and eventually pop out of her trance.

And you thought doing the dishes was boring.