Uncle Ralph

      Watching you watching me makes me wonder. It makes me wonder what do you see and how do you feel and are you wishing it was over? What are you waiting for? The struggle for each breath and the struggle to keep your eyes open must be so tiring.An oxygen mask covering your face must feel weird but you need it. You need it to sustain life. I feel so sad , but not a bad kind of sad, just sad. Walking this journey with your son has truly been an adventure through the medical system I know so well, but have not really experienced much from this vantage point. Your son the doctor and me the nurse is really your son the son and me the niece.We bring our expertise, we talk lab values and test results, goals of treatments and clinical trials but in the end that 's not what counts.Embracing each moment and celebrating who you are is what counts.So many times I have helped others navigate their way on this journey but now I am on the journey. .The ups and downs , the good days and the bad days. This roller coaster ride is crazy. To be in the middle of this without a road map leaves us only life experience and love to rely on, and comfortingly I have found that it is indeed enough.I love you Uncle Ralph, and I wish you peace.

  Feb.20/09                               Connecting the dots....

    Well a few days have passed and Uncle Ralph you have found your peace.I wanted to be near you as your time came closer but it wasn't to be. My heart was with you , your son and your wife but it  did not feel like it was enough. I was unable to be away from my work(nursing on an onclology unit) . How wrong it felt to go to work looking after other people's special somebodies but not able to be with my people's special somebody.

 I struggled deeply and felt torn while wishing I could be in 2 places at once.My night shift proved to memorable and I was blessed beyond measure despite all of my misgivings.One of my patients that night was used to deliver a message.He was a true gentleman , just like you Uncle Ralph. I had oppourtunity to care for him each shift during the last week and each interaction I had with him left me asking the same question.Whenever he looked at me it seemed his eyes penetrated deep into my soul and I would say to myself....."What is it about this man?" Though he suffered greatly from his disease he always asked me how my night was going?(again so much like you Uncle Ralph always quick to put others ahead of yourself) As he struggled I gave him the medication he needed and he looked at me with those eyes and said..........,"Did somebody just die?".I asked him to repeat himself as I was unsure what he was saying and he again asked,........"Did somebody just die?" I spoke to my co-worker as I was puzzled and she suggested I explore this with his family further, which I did. They were also perplexed by his comment and did not have explaination for it.They assured me he was settled in his soul and knew the extent of his disease and was at peace.An hour later I received the call that Uncle Ralph had passed away at 10 minutes to 10 that evening.Although emotionally impacted I was relieved that Uncle Ralph's suffering was over. 

 I continued with my shift duties which involved recording a brief description of the night's events on the clipboard for the next shift to refer to.Whenever I have a moment I add to this account while the events are fresh in my memory. As I recorded the events I could not recall exactly the time I had given my patient his medication , so I checked my medication record.I stood still in my tracks and time stood still as I felt goosebumps travel through my body.

The time I gave the medication ..............10 minutes to 10 in the evening.The exact time my patient asked,"Did somebody just die?".The exact time Uncle Ralph passed away.Needless to say I quickly connected the dots. I truly believe my patient saw my Uncle Ralph's spirit and God used him to deliver a message that although I could not be two places at once God indeed can be.