Exploring Obligation

I'm completely fascinated by this topic.  I guess it's because I've done many things in my life out of obligation.  My brother often says that he does almost nothing out of obligation and he believes that I do many things out of it.

The dictionary definitions of obligation are varied.  Here are a few:

• something that somebody owes in return for something given
• something that must be done because of legal or moral duty
• a personal relation in which one is indebted for a service or favor

Regarding whether someone owes me something or not, for me this is highly dependent on the kind of relationship it is.  With my husband, children, and closest family members, oweing me something isn't even part of my thinking.  Why?  Because from these people I could never measure what it is that they bring to my life, what they mean to me in my life, and how my life has been so enriched by them.  It's not about debt and repayment.  For me, it's about shere gratitude and mutual enjoyment of each other's company.

I suppose that my tendency toward feeling obligation toward people other than my family comes from a belief that I was raised with.  It goes like this:  "There are no people in the world for you like your family.  No matter what, your family will always be there for you, through thick and thin."  And another version of that belief (which I solidly subscribe to and which my mother continually told us kids) goes like this:  "There will never be anyone in the world who loves you more than your mother".  I bought it hook line and sinker.  I still do.  I'm a mother, and I believe that with all of my heart.

So I have grown up with the idea that family is always there for you, and they accept you no matter what, - your wonderfulness and all of your imperfections.  I have found very few friendships like this. 

Some people would say that these belief systems instilled in me as a child from my family are highly obligatory in nature.  And I would say quite differently.   There isn't anything that either of my parents would not have done for us kids, to see us succed in life, to help us become loving people, to help us enjoy life and to help us become happy.  Nothing.  Martyrs?  I think not.  Saints?  Not that either.  Just people who loved their children so much that they would go to the ends of the earth if that's what it took to help them have a better life.

It's getting more and more simple for me.  No matter what I am doing, or what is asked of me by others, if I get a "yuk" feeling, I know I'm in obligatory mode.  If I get a "happy" feeling, I'm in a state of freedom.

When I ask others to do things for me, and I get a "no" (from people other than my family), if I feel resentful, I know I'm in obligatory mode.  If I feel non-attached, I'm in a state of freedom.

The sweetest state of freedom comes when I love what I'm doing and I'm doing it with those I love.  Not a drop of obligation there.

I suppose we could decide at any moment in time if we wanted to, to love whatever it was that we were doing in that moment, and to love whoever it was that we were with, - family, friends or even strangers.  Just choose to love.  Doing this would guarantee us freedom from obligation.

I tell people that I feel no obligation toward my children.  People get shocked by that comment.  But what that means to me, is that I am there for them because I love being their mother and I love being with them.  I'm not there because I have to be, or someone is forcing me to be, or they better pay me back big time in the future because they owe me something.

Quite the contrary.  I am blessed to be a mother.  I am blessed to have been given the privilege of raising and nurturing 2 beautiful girls.  Very imperfectly at times, but always the best I knew how at the time.

Now, I just have to figure out a way of not feeling obligated with friends.  With friends, I expect favors returned after giving them something that they value and have requested of me (whether it's my time, energy, ideas, advice, help, etc.).  I'd like to break free of these feelings. 

Any suggestions?